Paradise

I really feel really good today. And I feel really lucky. No matter how horrible my day, my week, my month, my year....I have Tony to come home to. No matter how stressed I am or how much of a failure I'm feeling. Everything seems alright when I step into his arms. I feel safe, I feel loved, and most of all, I feel that everything will be alright. I never thought that I would find a guy like this. It's amazing. Every day I find myself looking at him and wondering, "What did I ever do to deserve a guy like this?"

In the past, I've always struggled in relationships. I was always attempting to rush things, to jump into things. I was insecure in my relationships, never really opened up to the guys. I felt like there was something lacking in me that would scare them away if I truly showed them who I was. With Tony, I can be myself. I can be depressed, I can be insecure. I can cry for no reason. I can be a mess. I can be lazy. He just holds me in his arms and tells me it'll all be ok.

Granted things are far from perfect. It's no fairy tale. He spends so much time on his computer, I often feel ignored. I guess we're too much like an old married couple even though we're not married, not even really engaged. Granted, it's pretty much a formality now, the proposal. But Tony wants to do it the old fashioned way. Wants to buy the ring and propose in some sneaky way. He often sits there in silence and when I ask him what he's thinking of, he just tells me he's thinking but won't elaborate. I often get the feeling he's upset with me. And he just tells me if he gets upset with me, I'll know. I often second guess myself.

But things are good. Real good. We're happy.