Paradise

I really feel really good today. And I feel really lucky. No matter how horrible my day, my week, my month, my year....I have Tony to come home to. No matter how stressed I am or how much of a failure I'm feeling. Everything seems alright when I step into his arms. I feel safe, I feel loved, and most of all, I feel that everything will be alright. I never thought that I would find a guy like this. It's amazing. Every day I find myself looking at him and wondering, "What did I ever do to deserve a guy like this?"

In the past, I've always struggled in relationships. I was always attempting to rush things, to jump into things. I was insecure in my relationships, never really opened up to the guys. I felt like there was something lacking in me that would scare them away if I truly showed them who I was. With Tony, I can be myself. I can be depressed, I can be insecure. I can cry for no reason. I can be a mess. I can be lazy. He just holds me in his arms and tells me it'll all be ok.

Granted things are far from perfect. It's no fairy tale. He spends so much time on his computer, I often feel ignored. I guess we're too much like an old married couple even though we're not married, not even really engaged. Granted, it's pretty much a formality now, the proposal. But Tony wants to do it the old fashioned way. Wants to buy the ring and propose in some sneaky way. He often sits there in silence and when I ask him what he's thinking of, he just tells me he's thinking but won't elaborate. I often get the feeling he's upset with me. And he just tells me if he gets upset with me, I'll know. I often second guess myself.

But things are good. Real good. We're happy.

Last week just sucked. But things went better this past week. Work wasn't too horribly bad. Things are going ok at home. Granted, Tony's best friend Mike stayed the night last night. And he always puts me on edge. Tony acts a bit different around him. But I just deal with it as it comes. Only thing that pisses me off is that Mike just left sometime while Tony and I were asleep and left our front door unlocked. Granted I had taken pain med so I can't know if he had tried to wake us up.

Last week did end on a funny note though. I had wanted to post about it but I just kept being lazy and just zoned out the minute I got home from work. But Thursday night after my big ranting, Tony and i had just climbed into bed....when....

We heard bed squeaking come from upstairs (we live in a three-story apartment building and we're on the first floor). Tony turned to me and was like "What the hell?" I couldn't resist laughing. I had lived in the room below people for too long not to recognize the rhythm behind the squeaking. I told him that our upstairs neighbor was apparently having a little fun. We both were laughing at this point. Then the moans started. This set us off on an even harder laughing spurt. Tony in all seriousness turned to look at me and said, "At least we know it isn't a blow up doll or a wack-it jacket." That made me laugh even harder. At last the squeaking stopped and we were able to get to sleep. It has happened almost every night since. It was even funnier in the fact that until a few days ago, we hadn't seen what our new neighbors looked like. Their cars never left the parking lot for a week. Yet just yesterday, I realized that they had a pumpkin sitting on their porched that read "Just married." Cute huh? I hope it all works for them.

But lastly, I'm freezing. And Tony is still snuggled into our bed (blatantly ignoring my pleas for him to wake up so we can make it to our Chiropractic appointment...I had to call and cancel it). And I know he's warm. And I'm going to go join him so I can get warm again.