Paradise

I really feel really good today. And I feel really lucky. No matter how horrible my day, my week, my month, my year....I have Tony to come home to. No matter how stressed I am or how much of a failure I'm feeling. Everything seems alright when I step into his arms. I feel safe, I feel loved, and most of all, I feel that everything will be alright. I never thought that I would find a guy like this. It's amazing. Every day I find myself looking at him and wondering, "What did I ever do to deserve a guy like this?"

In the past, I've always struggled in relationships. I was always attempting to rush things, to jump into things. I was insecure in my relationships, never really opened up to the guys. I felt like there was something lacking in me that would scare them away if I truly showed them who I was. With Tony, I can be myself. I can be depressed, I can be insecure. I can cry for no reason. I can be a mess. I can be lazy. He just holds me in his arms and tells me it'll all be ok.

Granted things are far from perfect. It's no fairy tale. He spends so much time on his computer, I often feel ignored. I guess we're too much like an old married couple even though we're not married, not even really engaged. Granted, it's pretty much a formality now, the proposal. But Tony wants to do it the old fashioned way. Wants to buy the ring and propose in some sneaky way. He often sits there in silence and when I ask him what he's thinking of, he just tells me he's thinking but won't elaborate. I often get the feeling he's upset with me. And he just tells me if he gets upset with me, I'll know. I often second guess myself.

But things are good. Real good. We're happy.

Last week just sucked. But things went better this past week. Work wasn't too horribly bad. Things are going ok at home. Granted, Tony's best friend Mike stayed the night last night. And he always puts me on edge. Tony acts a bit different around him. But I just deal with it as it comes. Only thing that pisses me off is that Mike just left sometime while Tony and I were asleep and left our front door unlocked. Granted I had taken pain med so I can't know if he had tried to wake us up.

Last week did end on a funny note though. I had wanted to post about it but I just kept being lazy and just zoned out the minute I got home from work. But Thursday night after my big ranting, Tony and i had just climbed into bed....when....

We heard bed squeaking come from upstairs (we live in a three-story apartment building and we're on the first floor). Tony turned to me and was like "What the hell?" I couldn't resist laughing. I had lived in the room below people for too long not to recognize the rhythm behind the squeaking. I told him that our upstairs neighbor was apparently having a little fun. We both were laughing at this point. Then the moans started. This set us off on an even harder laughing spurt. Tony in all seriousness turned to look at me and said, "At least we know it isn't a blow up doll or a wack-it jacket." That made me laugh even harder. At last the squeaking stopped and we were able to get to sleep. It has happened almost every night since. It was even funnier in the fact that until a few days ago, we hadn't seen what our new neighbors looked like. Their cars never left the parking lot for a week. Yet just yesterday, I realized that they had a pumpkin sitting on their porched that read "Just married." Cute huh? I hope it all works for them.

But lastly, I'm freezing. And Tony is still snuggled into our bed (blatantly ignoring my pleas for him to wake up so we can make it to our Chiropractic appointment...I had to call and cancel it). And I know he's warm. And I'm going to go join him so I can get warm again.

Bleh

Ok, so today just totally sucked. Actually this week just plain sucked and it's not yet over. *sigh* The update on my brother is apparently my dad snuck down to the courthouse and bailed him out without no one knowing about it. Dave gave in to a plea bargin and snitched on the whole operation. Apparently he was drunk and high on meth and knew that the money was fake but tried to use it anyways. He admits his stupidity. Now though the cops are saying his life may be in danger and they may send him somewhere else for protection purposes. Lovely eh? I've told him time and time again that he needs to get away from that town. I offered to help him move here and he was like "once I have the money." Well now he's looking at jail time for being stupid and easily led by his even stupidier friends. I'm just so tired of getting the calls from my mom where she says "Guess what your stupid brother did this time..." My life is going passably well and I don't need the stress of her calling constantly to unload on me. She needs to find someone else to dump on. I just can't handle it anymore.

Alas, life goes on and Jen remains the dumping grounds of her family's trash. I moved two hours away from them and I still cannot escape the drama that enfolds my brother. I can't cut him off, I love him too much for that. And I feel like I'm constantly whining about my misfortune. I know so many people have it much worse and I've had a reasonably good life with few troubles. But I like to whine. I like to vent. It makes me feel special. Really....it does. Not really. I created this blog because I really don't have super close friends in Spokane besides my boyfriend and he gets the brunt of all the family drama by extension....I miss my best friends from high school.

Why do people have to drift apart? Why do people's significant others have to hold them back from their friends? It's unfair. I've never done anything to my friend's significant others but apparently my existence is enough.

I feel adrift. I don't feel like I have a strong enough anchor in this hectic world to help keep me sane.

Joy of Joys

Ok so I got my results back from my MRI. It only took two days, amazing eh? Anyways they came back clean. That's a relief so for now I don't have back surgery hanging over my head. That's one less stress to worry over. Now I'm left wondering if there isn't anything wrong with my back, then why the hell am I in so much pain? I'm not imagining it. I know that much. If I can barely get out of bed because my back feels like it's been through the spin cycle of a washing machine most mornings, there has to be a reason. It could be the muscles, but the thing is I was having massages every week and that wasn't making a difference. I'm just scratching my head. I didn't major in Biology ya know. I did Psychology. If it was a mental issue, I would be able to understand, and maybe help with the diagnosis (which is of course against all APA ethics rules so I doubt anyone would listen to me...).

On to another issue, I really want to find a new job. Financially, I kinda need to find a new job. I have too many bills and too little spending money to get clothes, etc. I like the finer things in life. I like to be able to go out on dates with my boyfriend. Go see movies, try new resteraunts. I don't mean to be a whiny baby. But I want to be able to enjoy life not just work and work and work and never make anywhere. I mean, I'd like to be able to save for mine and my boyfriend's wedding (for when he eventually gets around to proposing....*hint hint Tony if you are reading this**.

First Time is always the hardest

Hello. So this is my first post. I had a blog on LJ but well I never wrote on it. Hopefully I'll write on it on this one. Maybe. If I have something to say I may just write. Right now, I'm not sure what inspired me to create a new blog. I'm horrible about checking my email let alone keeping this up to date. Maybe I'll be better at it this time.

So about two months ago I was in a car wreck. It wasn't high speed or anything. We were t-boned by a drunk driver who was busy talking on the phone to his son because he had hit two people before he finally hit us. I sprained my wrist, got whiplash, and injured my back (again but thats a long story). Anyways the whiplash and wrist are under control but the doctors are scratching their head about my back. I cannot seem to escape the pain. Granted, I haven't been painfree since I was 14 but this is a lot worse then normal. I had an MRI last night. I'm not terribly claustrophobic but I am when in really tight spaces. So my doctor gave me Xanax to get through it. Well, it didn't work. The nice MRI guy gave me ear plugs, a warm blanket, and a washcloth over my eyes. I got squeezed into this tiny tube (I swear they've gotten smaller since I was last in one, or I got fatter....not sure) where my arms couldn't even freakin' move. My nose itched like crazy and I had all those noises all around me. The washcloth couldn't block out the sight of the MRI machine literally inches from my nose. It took all my self-control not to scream bloody murder. Needless to say I was shaking from head-to-toe and crying when I finally got out of the damn thing.

Then just to make things worse, as if I wasn't stressed out enough...my mom calls tonight. Now, her calling isn't enough to induce stress since she won't cut the apron strings and calls at least five times a week. But this time it was stress-filled. Apparently my genius of a brother has been arrested for forgery and counterfeiting because he was caught trying to pass off a fake 20 dollar bill. Yeah, smooth eh? It pisses me off so much because he seemed to have been doing so well. He was pretty much clean from drugs (he still smoked pot but I'm not gonna argue that since he was supposedly clean from meth). He had a good job, was renting a house with a friend. He had decided to go back to school. I had just began trusting him again I thought he was going good. And now this, I feel like such a fool. You'd think I would have learned my lesson. Heh. Guess not.